“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
the clam before the storm
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair