Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet