Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

This one’s “Alex”.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.