Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.