What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
☠️ ☠️
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*