What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.