Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

house sitting!

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long