Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Camel dough

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

God has abandoned us.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

neighborhood watch

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.