What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”