What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no