What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
tag yourself
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.