Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

ㅤ

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life