What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
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Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed