Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.