Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.