Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

A dad and his duck

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

So many village idiots. So few dragons.