what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
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Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for