what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.