Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions