@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

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@FunnyBison

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

@joekjoek

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

@carlielyn

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

@LittleLostLad

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

@TJ_Whitehead

By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions