What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
do u think theres a butter planet?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time