What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Butt weight. There’s more!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit