Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Always a metermaid never a meter

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

most whales are bigger than a strawberry