“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My circle of trust is a meatball
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.