“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
This is hilarious
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.