“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Leaving the Barbers like
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?