whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”