whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“TGIM!” – My liver
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one