whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
put ‘er there pardner!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back