Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.