Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

this is the best interaction on twitter

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.