What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.