What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I have obtained a hat
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*