What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.