What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*