Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?