What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.