What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
