What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
You Might Also Like
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.