What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
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Mummies are just super modest zombies
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Goat cheese is for herders.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”