Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol