What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.