What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
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Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
