What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
You Might Also Like
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I WON A HAM TODAY
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
How to draw a duck
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.