Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good