Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.