Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

The Backseat Boys

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.