Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Cheers Twitter.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses