Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.