Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

🙂🙃🥹

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”