What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
the three branches of government
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.