Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

it was a valiant fight

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

make up your mind