What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
You Might Also Like
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I saw this ending much differently.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
