Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

I wish all tests were things you peed on

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

first you must answer his riddles

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.