I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
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Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?