What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life