What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
😭😭
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
😍😂🥰😂😍
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
yes… yes…
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
respect
