What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m being attacked 😭
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.