Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet