Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Free him

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal