What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end