Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”