Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Well well well…

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY