What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*Inspirational Tweets*
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Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
the noise i just made
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.