What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Who’s your best friend?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Well, this certainly took a turn
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Twitter remains undefeated
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.