Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

😂🍻

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

me, too, girl. me, too.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.