What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.