What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.