What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Boom, boom, ching!
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.