Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!