Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Customer is always right

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”