What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
IT’S-A ME,
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Rather alarming headline…
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Pass gas, not judgment.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.