Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Holy moly

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

when someone rings the doorbell

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Who does Amazon think I am?

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”