“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
こいつ天才
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
rest in peas
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
thanks auntie mary
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA