What’s the point buying it then?
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keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
LOOOOOOL
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Potatoes were such a good idea
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”