what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
